'Gosh darn it, people like me!'.

• Author: Williamson, Dianne
• Position: Local

Byline: Dianne Williamson

On Tuesday, the New York Times reported that Hillary Clinton invited Sen. Elizabeth Warren to her home for a private meeting in December. I was hiding in the closet and overheard the following exchange:

Clinton: Elizabeth, I need your help.

Warren: No kidding. You're getting hammered.

Clinton: I thought the middle class was getting hammered.

Warren: Everyone is getting hammered. The game is rigged by the rich and powerful.

Clinton: But I'm rich and powerful.

Warren: That's why you're getting hammered. By me.

Clinton: I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I need your support and I also need you to teach me to be likable.

Warren: You're likable enough, Hillary.

Clinton: Yeah, that's what Obama once said. But I'm going to be the next president of the United States and none of my so-called friends even invites me for cocktails.

Warren: It might be because you charge them $450,000. Rumor has it you bill the grocer when you show up to buy milk.

Clinton: Campaigns aren't cheap, Elizabeth. We're dead broke.

Warren: No one likes a whiner, Hillary, and you do have a history of complaining. Remember when you famously blamed Bill's troubles on a vast right-wing conspiracy, when he was actually boinking every intern along Dupont Circle?

Clinton: I was desperate.

Warren: And stop saying you're broke. It's the college students who are broke. It's the little guy who can't pay his mortgage who is broke. It's the coal miner with a goiter the size of ...

(Out of nowhere, a large crowd appears in the living room and cheers wildly while waving signs reading "Run, Liz, Run!'' Warren smiles but hushes them with a quick hand gesture to her throat.)

Clinton: See? Everyone loves you. So I must insist that you pinkie swear that you won't run for president. The next occupant of the Oval Office has to be a woman.

Warren: What am I, a hermaphrodite? But don't worry, Hillary. I'm not running for president. (Winks broadly at supporters)

Clinton: Then how come everywhere you go feels like a campaign rally? You've really nailed this populist woman-of-the-people shtick. But I'm going to be the nominee in 2016. It's not fair!

Warren: Life isn't fair...